'A Modest Proposal' on How to Make Your Billables

The Snark
Fulton County Daily Report
January 29, 2007

According to rumor and legend, there was a time when lawyers, including Big Firm lawyers, did not have to bill a minimum number of hours each year. Apparently, they were merely required to get their work done. Madness.
Luckily, some managing partner figured out that Big Firms could make more money off of their Associate Cogs (and even their Partners) by requiring them to bill clients for a minimum number of hours each year.
As the "market" demands that Cogs get larger and larger paychecks, many Big Firms pay for these raises by steadily increasing the number of hours an associate must bill each year. The fact that the number of hours in a day never changes does not seem to deter firms from increasing the number of those hours an associate is expected to spend billing. In 1958, the American Bar Association suggested a full-time attorney could bill 1,300 hours per year. No kidding. By the mid-'90s -- some 40 years later -- many firms thought 1,800 or 1,900 were reasonable targets. Now? Try 2,100, baby.
Many of you Big Firm Cogs complain and wonder how you can possibly bill more hours in a day when the length of a day remains a constant. You whine about not having time for silly things like walking your dogs or feeding your children.
I have a few simple solutions to this dilemma.
MOVE TO THE CITY
This one is a given. If you bought a house in the 'burbs so that you could afford a bigger lawn, more bedrooms and easy access to Barnes & Noble and Williams-Sonoma, you might want to do the math. The commute is the obvious part, of course, (about 1.5 hours a day, round-trip). But don't forget the valuable time you spend pruning your bushes, edging around your custom landscaping and mowing your 1.2-acre lawn -- about four hours per month -- and chasing your kids around the living room (about 1.5 hours per week). Sure, you can outsource such things to others (as many Big Firm attorneys do), but don't forget the time you spend playing golf at the club, walking up and down your three flights of stairs and sipping tea on your front porch.
You can bill at least an additional 200 hours a year by moving to a condo across from your office. Surely, there is one being built or available right now! This goes for you in-town homeowners as well. Forget about the yard and driving to work. You'll spend far less time on home maintenance when you trade your 4,500-square-foot suburban manse on one and a half acres for your lawnless, 1,200-square-foot loft in a trendy rehabbed warehouse. And the lack of walls (and floor space) is almost guaranteed to bring your family closer together (in the limited time you're not billing hours and are actually at home, that is).
Speaking of family, let's just be honest here: Children are a real time-suck. You've got to play with them; listen to them; ferry them back and forth to school, soccer and ballet; clean up their messes; and plan for their college educations. You'd save a lot of time -- maybe as much as 2,000 hours a year -- if you didn't have those kids. And that time could be spent billing. I know some of you may bristle at this advice, but if you take a moment (an unbillable moment, granted) to think about it, you'll see that I'm right. I'd also suggest getting rid of your spouse as another time-saving device, but so many of you appear already to have considered this option that I didn't want to be redundant.
For you young and single Cogs, don't waste time on homeownership or renting. Just find a vacant office at the Firm, place an "Under Construction" sign on the door and move in! You'll have all the amenities you need: a full kitchen, free coffee, bathrooms, fine art plus central air and heat! All for free! Why waste your time driving to some "home" where you only sleep? Just get a nice mattress and you're set!
STOP EATING
As a Big Firm attorney, you live a sedentary existence in front of your computer or at your desk. You just don't really need that many calories to fuel such minimal activity. A simple Campbell's drink-a-cup-of-soup will do for lunch. Chewing takes unnecessary time and doesn't burn enough calories to count as exercise. You can still read a noncompete agreement while sipping that tomato-basil goodness -- without sacrificing 1.1 billable hours consumed by heading out with your co-workers to eat a burger.
And with the calories you save by opting for a liquid lunch, you don't have to waste another 1.2 hours walking on a treadmill, lifting weights or kickboxing. Besides, your heart rate will be elevated every day for one billable reason or another: when the partner you are working with screams at you because the mailroom misplaced the box he shipped himself from the conference in Detroit or when you realize you accidentally e-mailed the draft partnership agreement to opposing counsel instead of to your client.
If you insist on actually exercising, you can squeeze it in by simply taking the stairs instead of the elevator or jumping in place during conference calls.
SHAVE YOUR HEAD
Seriously. With a once-a-month buzz of the old clippers, you can save at least 15 minutes each morning by not having to wash, blow-dry or apply styling product to your mop. That gives you an additional 91.25 hours of available billing time each year! As an added bonus, you will not have to take the time to drive to a barber and sit in the chair and chat with the locals about the latest movies every few weeks -- that's another 20 hours a year. (By the way, if you are still wasting valuable time watching movies, download some 20-minute podcasts to fill your entertainment cravings.)
Some of you ladies may not have the full shave as an option. Many Big Firms frown on such nontraditional looks in their female attorneys. You may have to opt for keeping your hair long to avoid frequent visits to the salon. Just slick it back and put it in a ponytail. Every day. Curling and straightening are out. Highlights are out. No way do you have time to waste for that hours-long process plus touching up your roots. And forget about any waxing, tanning, micro-dermabrasion or other such self-indulgent and time-consuming activities. That goes for the men too.
With these simple and timesaving solutions, nothing but your own laziness can stop you from billing 2,800 hours a year!
As long as firms continue to link raises and/or bonuses to increased billable-hour requirements, we are all going to have to think long and hard about how much sleep we really need to function and whether Depends diapers are really just for the incontinent. Bathroom breaks can really cut into billable time!

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